Grey’s Anatomy Recap: Big Butt Energy

I’ll admit that over the years, my Grey’s loyalty has occasionally faltered. The ghost sex, the cursed Teddy-Owen-Tom love triangle, Maggie’s entire cousin plotline … we’ve all questioned our loyalty once or twice. But here’s the thing about Grey’s Anatomy, the thing that will keep me coming back until TV literally ceases to exist: Where else are you going to find a show that’ll give you a tearful emotional epiphany between sisters just a few operating-room doors down from a Brazilian butt lift gone terribly, terribly wrong? You won’t! You can’t! The only thing I’ll demand at my nursing home is clean sheets, a steady supply of chocolate pudding, and this sublimely unserious nonsense on repeat. Equally absurd: the turn of phrase “big butt energy,” which I will be printing on a T-shirt immediately.

First of all, great news: Catherine’s biopsy came back negative. No word yet on whether Meredith’s still in the doghouse with Richard for doing said biopsy without telling him about his wife’s condition, but we’ll see how they’re doing whenever she’s next in town. But now, for the bad news: As we learned last week, Mika Yasuda’s baby sister, Chloe, has developed colorectal cancer at the tender age of 22 — and it’s aggressive. As Richard explains the side effects of Chloe’s upcoming radiation treatment, including potential reproductive issues, Mika starts dissociating. She’s hellbent on finding another way, any option that allows her sister to still have all the choices in the world in front of her. She ran into Jules after the meeting, but as much as Jules tried to comfort her, Mika just snapped at her in return. This is not a good time.

On the bright side, Helm’s back from her travels in France, and I have to say, the Annoying Girl Who Just Got Back From a Eurotrip vibe is very fun on her. Whenever she finds a new way to squeeze random French phrases into her conversations, it imparts a little je ne sais quoiAnd like any best friend, she immediately clocks the flirty energy developing between Schmitt and the hospital chaplain James. These two really are perfect for each other. One minute, they’re arguing about which fictional spaceship they’d most like to captain — the Starship Enterprise or the Millennium Falcon (James is right, the Falcon’s cooler) — and the next, they’re scrambling into bed at James’s CB2-core apartment. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, am I right?

We have to pause here, because … how are we all feeling about James? On one hand, I want to like this because Schmitt could really use a win, but on the other, I’m skeptical. For starters, that speech he gave about the painting in his bedroom — the one he picked up while *wistful sigh* traveling in Italy to recover from heartache by immersing himself in art museums — felt a lot like The Story Joey tells to get laid in Friends. It’s too poetic, too romantic, too perfect. More ominous, Schmitt finds what appears to be some sort of couple’s album on his coffee table. Are we thinking this is a secret husband? Is James simply a packrat divorcé? Maybe it’s just a super-cute friendship album? Curious and curiouser, but maybe not in a good way.

While sparks fly between Levi and the maybe-married chaplain, Bailey and Ben are doing their damndest to build a compelling case study for why couples should never work together in the same job — especially if one of them is a bit of a control freak. Ben’s back with the interns, and he’s less than pleased to realize that these babies are running circles around him. Kwan’s calling him “Mr. Dr. Bailey” behind his back, and he’s already grabbed the wrong scalpel for a procedure. Embarrassing! Bailey, meanwhile, can’t stop herself from asking Simone to spy on her husband and see how he’s doing now that he’s returned to medicine. Ostensibly, this is because she wants to make sure Ben gets an “objective” experience as her junior, but beneath that good intention, there’s also a wellspring of mistrust.

Simone’s extracurricular activities do not pay off. Instead, they backfire when her patient Darren, a high-school teacher who’s recovering from pneumonia, suffered an emergency when she was off snooping on Ben. Ndugu’s orders to watch Darren were clear, and he’s just about ready to tear into Simone when Miranda intervenes and takes him into another room to sheepishly explain why she beckoned Simone away. Needless to say, Ndugu — who is currently divorcing his own ex-boss, Maggie — has some thoughts about why Miranda ought to leave Ben alone at work.

Bailey’s not the only one whose relationship is getting stretched at work. Owen and Teddy have hit that dreaded phase in a relationship where you wake up and realize it’s been three weeks since you had a real conversation. When they do talk, it’s about work — and even then, it does not go well. Word to the wise, Owen: Don’t imply to your wife that you understand her job better than she does just because you did it a decade ago. Maybe that’s why when he asks Teddy why any woman would get a BBL, she gives him a long, Barbie-esque speech about gender norms, double standards, and why actually it’s our society that makes women want surgically enhanced donks. Okay?! Oof. They’ve got some couple’s work to do.

The BBL story is peak Grey’s: Woman gets BBL. Woman falls on the ground. Woman develops necrotizing fasciitis through her incision, because of course she does. I swear, this show makes me terrified to leave my home. While Ben and Kwan operate on her with Hunt, Ben gives Kwan a chance to cut away some of the rotting tissue with him, which, in this show, is some grade-A male bonding. At this rate, they’ll be hitting the golf courses in no time. No more Mr. Dr. Bailey.

Really, though, this is Mika’s episode. She’s drowning in older-sister angst trying to help her sister, and because older sisters always get the job done, she finds a solution: ovarian transposition, which will temporarily move the ovaries out of range of the radiation to protect Chloe’s reproductive system. Boom! Chloe initially expects Mika to join her in the OR, until Mika glumly reminds her that as a relative, she can’t be there. Then, at the last second, Jules shows up to save the day, walking into the OR just to hold Chloe’s hand because Mika can’t. It’s a beautiful moment, and the entire time all I could think was, Can they just make out again already?! After the surgery, Chloe thanks Mika for everything she’s done as a sister, which is enough to make my heart melt, even (or perhaps especially) as an only child. And because this is the second-best intern class ever, Mika’s friends all show up in the hospital room to drop off a care package, flowers, and the news that they’ve taken Mika’s shifts for the next week so she can rest. Book me an OR now, because I’m in pieces!

The OR Board

• I seriously almost forgot that Jo and Link also have news: They’re having twins! As much as I love these two individually, I just can not make myself invest in them as a couple, which is unfortunate, because clearly the show itself is all-in.

• What do we think is going to happen next week with Schmitt and that helicopter from the season preview? Full-on crash, or a near-death experience? My money’s on the latter. Who better to help him through that than, say, a dreamy chaplain who might or might not be sketchy?

• When do we think that woman from Owen’s past, Nora, is going to show back up? She first appeared a couple weeks ago as a patient, and Floriana Lima, who plays her, is going to recur this season. Given the friction rising between Owen and Teddy, I have a feeling she’ll be waltzing back through Grey Sloan’s doors any day now. Let’s just hope this doesn’t end in another excruciating love triangle.

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